Thinkerbell Goes to Freeport

I love to write reviews on TripAdvisor because I really enjoy travelling, writing and telling the world what I think of, well, pretty much everything.  They even sent me a free luggage tag once because I run my mouth on their sight so much.  But I couldn't find a category on their website where I could post my review since I wanted to tell them about a lot of stuff regarding my recent adventure (plus TripAdvisor doesn't let you say "fuck" or "asshat" in their reviews), so I decided to post it all here and hope it helps someone on their way to the big island.  So here goes.

Our boat

We set sail aboard the Celebration Bahamas cruise ship, not to be confused with Celebrity or Carnival Celebration, or any other really big cruise line.  It's just Celebration, and I think their fleet size is approximately one boat.  It's an older ship, and it's European, but it's comfortable and clean, so whatever.  It's also a really inexpensive and short cruise, so it suited both my budget and my schedule perfectly.  Basically, for about $100 per person, you sail out on a Friday evening, arrive in Freeport, Bahamas Saturday morning, sail home Saturday night, and you're back in Florida by Sunday morning.  It includes meals, shows, and all the coffee and tea your bladder can stand.  You can get lemonade with dinner.  They sell a soda card for $24 (all the soda you want), and it's totally worth it.  The port charges and houskeeping/wait staff charges total another $24 per person, but it's still a great bang for your buck.  They have two dining options that are not included in the price, but the free options are good, so I would skip the food you have to pay for.  A word of advice, though - arrive at the port early so the dinner reservations at the super nice free restaurant don't run out (this is what happened to us).  Basically, one night you get a super nice sit down dinner with all the bells and whistles (and some really cool people at your table, if you're lucky.  If you're not lucky, like me, you get weird people at your table, but I'm thinking the other people at the table probably felt that way too.  They were probably all, Oh, shit, what is she talking about now?), and the other night you get a semi-buffet meal that is good but not amazing.  Unless you arrive late.  Then you get two not amazing dinners.  There's also this snack bar type place that has pizza and pasta, and sometimes salads and cake, and it's free and very delicious.  Plus it's open 'til like 3:00 a.m., so it's the perfect "I don't want to go to bed drunk on an empty stomach" stop. Spins? No thanks.

RIP  My diet.  It was murdered by a cruise ship pizzeria.

Mike with MY winning bingo card.
Yes, mine.  I yelled BINGO for real
this time, y'all.

So now you're on board.  First, stop at the information desk and grab a schedule.  That tells you when and where all the fun shit is happening all over the ship.  That way you won't miss The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel in the theater or the shuffleboard tournament on the pool deck.  Seriously, I thought they were exaggerating on The Love Boat, but apparently these things are true.  Second, listen when the ship's captain makes an announcement.  My husband likes to yabbi, yabbi, yabbi right over announcements and then act confused when we arrive late for Bingo (which we totally won, by the way).  The best place to park yourself for when you sail out?  In my opinion, the pool bar.  It's right at the front of the ship, so you can see everything, they have the best music, and you're right there where the alcohol happens.  Did I say alcohol?  Surely I meant magic.  Oh, also don't wear high heel shoes the first day. Especially if you're a dude. Then avoid high heels whenever.  Unless you're Ru Paul.  In that case, carry on, you gorgeous bitch. I wore these great little cork wedge sandals, and then I spent the entire evening looking like a baby giraffe once we started moving.  Wear flip flops.  Your knees, hips, ankles and pride will all thank you.

The baby giraffe heels o' death

That night, we went to dinner and then hit the hot tub.  One of the great things about a cruise is that all these people are stuck on a boat with you in the middle of the ocean.  They literally cannot get away, so it's a great time to make friends.  We were in the hot tub with two other couples, and at some point in the conversation, one of the girls turned to me and asked, "So what college do you go to?"  Being $29.95, plus shipping and handling, my ego soared.  I just played it off with a casual, "Oh, I'm not in college," and then quickly changed the subject before she could ask why, and I would have to explain that I graduated from college around the time she graduated 6th grade. Awkward. Whitney Houston was thinking it wasn't right, but it was ok, and Ricky Martin was still living La Vida Loca.  Britney was still a "virgin" and the Backstreet Boys wanted it "that way."  Around midnight, we headed off to bed to get some rest before our day on the island, like the old people we are becoming.  

My first view of Freeport.  Johnny Depp?
Paging Mr. Depp....

The next morning, we woke up to a very cold, dreary day.  I still had high hopes of a Pirates of the Caribbean type scene as we exited the ship, but when I looked out the window, Pirates it was not. Johnny Depp with sexy eyeliner did not meet me with breakfast and/or rum. That bastard. It was a dirty, nondescript port with grey skies looming overhead and equally grey concrete below.  No worries because I was still excited out of my mind just to be there.  I roused Mike, who really probably could have slept another hour or two, but who's counting?  It's the Bahamas, so don't be an asshat.  He got up, and we got off the ship in short order and headed straight to Celebrity Car and Scooter Rental, the first rental place you see as you get off the boat.  As I stepped through the plain doors into the plain office and sat down at the plain desk, I totally felt like a celebrity.  This must be how Paris Hilton feels every fucking day, people.  We paid $60 and got the keys to our island beast, along with two stylish helmets, which we were sternly warned to "wear at all times."  Then we set off for adventure!

Our island ride because we're cool like that.

I'm the one in the awesome helmet.

I'm tired, so this is to be continued....