One of those mornings....

My manic Monday has officially given way to a lethargic and confused Tuesday. As energetic and focused as I was yesterday, that's how lazy and lost I am feeling today. I took my 4-year-old daughter to preschool this morning, walked her in and kissed her goodbye just like always. As soon as I got to my office and sat down in front of the computer, ready to feign a workday, I looked down and realized I was wearing mismatched shoes. And my fly was down. Guards, we have a security breach in Los Pantalones! Everyone at the preschool is so quietly polite, or they are as out of it as me, because nobody seemed to notice. Which is a lot like the day I ran errands all over town with a big hole in the seat of my pants. Got a hole in your pants, a hole in your pants! Lookin' like a fool with a hole in your pants! Ah, some days....

Matrimonial Bliss(ish)

For the record, I secretly loathe wives who dote on their husband's every act of matrimonial duty. It is one thing to appreciate his grilling prowess or his dedication as a patriarch and family breadwinner. I think it's good to let people know you appreciate your spouse. I love that, but please don't make EVERY public waking moment a status update shrine in his honor. It feels insincere. That said, I am now going to now annoy myself and the rest of you by publicly appreciating my marriage.

Last November, my husband and I celebrated our 13th anniversary. Lucky number 13, right? Ha! If there is any such thing as an ideal marriage, then Cinderella and Princess Aurora can officially take that title and suck it. Real marriage is not easy, but the things in life that are worth it never are. Have you ever met a good parent who said, "Oh, motherhood? That sh** is a piece of cake!" or a nobel prize winner who said, "Well, it wasn't really that much work. It was in my inbox when I woke up at 2 pm...."? No, you've never heard that. I'm just happy to say that neither of us has never made a mistake in our marriage. We've never disrespected one another, certainly never *gasp* disagreed. Fought? Not us. I'm not a very good liar, am I? My husband says the same thing, trust me. The truth is, we've been ugly and terrible to each other. Habitually? No. On purpose. Never. Did we ever want to walk away? Sure. Were we justified? We've both been justified in that.

But at the end of the day, it turns out that we are really good for each other. He drives me to be more, accomplish more, and I drive him to the same end. Could have I achieved a great live without him? Of course. But together, we live more life than either of us could achieve on our own, and isn't that the point of a union? I need someone in my life who can match my intensity even if they do it on their own terms. So I am bragging on my husband. Thank you for matching me, for pushing me, for making my life bigger, fuller. We are a good match, and I love you.

Truth in advertising? Psh!

This morning, as I was getting ready for work (yes, I do get dressed and wear makeup even though I work from home), I glanced down, and there was a BIG brown spider glancing up. I screeched (quietly because people were still sleeping and I am considerate), and then remembered, with a flood of relief, that I have State Farm Insurance. I stepped back, scrunched my eyes shut and sang, "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there..." I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and my State Farm agent was nowhere in sight. I had to smoosh that spider myself. Thanks a lot, State Farm. I wanted to switch to Allstate, so then the spider would at least talk to me in a deep, reassuring voice. They wouldn't insure us, though, because my husband is a "bad driver." He either needs to start driving better or start smashing the creepy crawlies so I don't have to.

Do you have any coupons?

Couponing - the paper-cutting, long check-out, "wth?" answer to the tanking economy. On the show, Extreme Couponing, when the cashier asks, "Do you have any coupons today?" she totally already knows. Who's going to be all like, "Oh, no I don't have any coupons. I just really like to buy hundreds of frozen entrees and mountains of deodorent."? But people get some good deals, some REALLY good deals. After watching so many mavens of savin' clean out supermarkets on TV, I thought, "What the heck? I can do this," and logged on to www.couponmom.com, a great little website for finding local grocery deals and steals. I am now the proud owner of 16 bottles of A1 Steak Sauce (yeah, it's that important), 2 dozen boxes of brownie mix, 14 boxes of Chex cereal and enough Ken's Steakhouse dressing to drown a moose. I didn't have countless hours to devote to couponing, but I did score some good buys. I also scored almost 20 pounds. Wait, what?! Yep, and my husband picked up some discount poundage too. I was saving a lot of money, but I was buying a lot of processed foods we wouldn't normally eat. I've decided that, for my family and for me, couponing is just not the right route. If I did have hours in the day to spare, I think I'd plant a garden and own some chickens and slash my grocery bills that way.

Secrets and Martinis (probably best served in reverse order)

Today, my husband discovered my deepest, darkest secret. One of the fundamental parts of my existence that has yet been uncovered throughout my matrimonial history. The secret is... I have a blog! Shocking, right? Especially since we are on year 4, my friends. So he read a couple of entries, and let's just say, I hope you are all way more interested than he is. Otherwise, wtf are you doing here? Go knit a sweater or something!

But while we are telling secrets, let me reveal to you something I do. I honestly thought, until recently, this was a lot more common. When I want my kids to go to bed early but I'm feeling less than WWE Smackdown energetic, I change the times on all the clocks in the house. 7:15 magically becomes 8:00. Bibbity bobbity bedtime! I've talked to a couple of other moms, and apparently nobody else does this. My only question is why.

I was gonna post something political in this third lucky paragraph, but as it turns out, I get really bored of my own political opinions. It only stands to reason that my readers would be bored at the mere mention of them. Why on earth would you want to read that? Therefore, this paragraph is dedicated to dumb facts. For example, banging your head against the wall consumes a whopping 150 calories an hour. You would only have to bang your head against the wall for just under 5 hours to burn off the calories consumed in one of those gihugant BK breakfast thingies. Not only would you be healthy-ish, the bruise on your forehead would be spectacular! Also, right now, this very second, 70% of the people driving on US highways are speeding. This number would be slightly higher if me and several of my closest friends were meeting for sushi in half an hour. Another dumb fact is that the Mayan calendar is ending this year. This is actually not a dumb fact. It is something that has been documented by historians regarding the calendars of several significant civilizations. Unfortunately, I have already RSVP'd for 2013 and signed up to bring ranch dip and martinis. The world is gonna be bummed if I don't show with cosmos.

How big is your beauty?

As Americans, we truly bask in a culture of extremes. While we purport to embrace the gray areas lost in many cultures, very few of us actually exist there. We are a nation of extremists, and this is in-your-face evident in almost all of our pop culture. It's a world full of Snooki, hoarders, Sarah Palin, Dr. Phil, Jackass, Man vs. Food... The list is long. You get the idea. Kudos to us, America! When we do something, we DO it! The most disturbing societal dysphoria I've noticed lately has to do with body image, particularly in women. Our pinnacle of excellence, our physical paramount weighs roughly 103 pounds. She has jutting hip bones, prominent collar bones and wholly unnatural angles. She probably only weighs 103 pounds because her implants are heavy. The reality is that, as of 2010, approximately 34% of Americans were obese, and that number has been, and is still rising. Right alongside these twiggy media images and miracle diet commercials, there are ads for all kinds of fast food, including such things as Taco Bell's "drive thru diet" and that KFC monstrosity. It is shocking that we thrust such unrealistic ideals upon women when the best place for both health and body image exist in (drumroll please).... that proverbial gray area. Zero isn't a healthy size, it's a warning. So as of today, I'm officially a non-dieter. Healthy eating is great, but skeletal does not equate to health.