Mon Dieu, He's Armed and Naked!

The Jehovah's Witnesses tried to come save me this morning.  Funny, I didn't even know I was in need of rescue.  You pretty much never do until they're at your doorstep asking if you've found God.  Oh, crap!  He's missing?  The kids were playing in the front yard, and they (the Jehovah's Witnesses) stopped and asked if "mommy was home."  My beautiful children informed them that I was sleeping.  At 11:00 in the morning.  I'm sure they were shocked at this terrible mother who was sleeping the day away while her children played in the dirt and chatted with God's strangers.  Whatever.  I was totally awake and actually working (one of the benefits of working from home is that Saturday morning is virtually the same as Tuesday morning, minus school), but they left so it works for me.  Please don't misunderstand.  I have much respect for Jehovah's Witnesses and their beliefs.  I also respect other religions, other lifestyles and the choices of people who eat hot dogs, and of those who eat tofu.  But please, don't arrive at my front door on a Saturday morning trying to shove your God or your tofu down my throat.  In fact, unless you have a mimosa, just skip my house, and I'll do you the same courtesy.

The best no soliciting award, however, goes to my dad, and I'll tell you why.  As you may know, I grew up in the country - rural America in almost West Texas.  I'd tell you it was New Mexico, but I always get the same response about how beautiful New Mexico is.  Or surprise that I speak English so well, being Mexican and all.  Either way, you're wrong on both counts, y'all.  It's not very beautiful, and it's not Mexico.  It's very near Amarillo, and not very near anything else.  So, let's just call it West Texas, ok?

When I tell people, I'm from New Mexico,
first they ususally think this....

Then they think this...

It actually looks like this.

Anyway, lately, we'd been having a problem with skunks.  More than once, our dogs had run out the front door barking like maniacs and run back in smelling of Pepe le Pew, so my dad, in all the wisdom and forward thinking of a farmer, decided he'd be ready for them next time.  He placed a shot gun by the front door and waited.  One Saturday morning, he had been out early doing the farm thing, feeding the cows and whatnot, and it was a particularly hot one that day.  After the chores, he came in to shower so he wasn't smelly and gross at lunch, and mid-shower, he heard the dogs in the front yard sounding the alarm.  Skunk!  Without taking the time to dress, or even rinse the shampoo out of his hair, he dashed out of the bathroom and straight to the front door, grabbing up the shotgun as he burst through the door, ready to finish off those damned skunks.  After all, you have to be quick to catch a band of sneaky skunks.  He launched himself out onto the porch, gun at the ready, hair standing straight up and covered in suds, and nary a stitch of clothing to be found.  Only, instead of finding himself in the company of several surprised and frightened skunks, he found himself in the company of several surprised and frightened Jehovah's Witnesses.  Apparently, they figured it was pretty much too late to save this one, so without a word, they climbed back into their car and drove away.  Like Andretti, complete with peel out and fishtail.  And they never came back, ever.  They're probably still wondering to this day if they qualify for the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

Pardonnez moi.  A moment of
your time to talk about Christ,
si vous plait....

I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted to try that approach - running out stark naked, with a weapon, looking completely insane - to deter solicitors.  In the end, though, I'm pretty much a sissy, and I just put a "no soliciting" sign in my front window.  Lame, I know.  I do read what they leave with me, though.  I find it fascinating.  They told me that at the end of days, all the people who have died, will come back.  Well, only the nice ones who believed good enough, I guess, but they get bodies and everything.  I do wonder, though, will their bodies be all fixed and stuff?  I mean, most of these people have been dead a really long time, and not to sound insensitive, but that's gross.  Also, where are they going to live?  That's a crap ton of people, and we're already crowded as it is.  I bet tent sales would skyrocket.  Can you imagine coming back a couple hundred years after you died?  Talk about a total WTF moment!