F**king Diet!

The original title for this entry was completely inappropriate.  I changed it.  You're welcome.

Day 2 on my weird and wonky diet, and I'm not loving it.  If you have no clue what I'm talking about, see my previous entry "Reject Your Tummy to Dominate".  I got up early, and did my cardio for 10 minutes, drank my damn water and ate an apple for breakfast.  The good news was on the scale, though.  121.8 pounds!  Woot!  Lunch was my downfall, though.  I was thinkin' Arby's.  Next thing you know, there's a ham and swiss melt in my mouth, and I'm elbow deep in curly fries.  "I'm thinkin' Arby's" translates to "I'm chewin' Arby's" with terrifying speed.  Slip-ups are bound to happen, though, am I right?  (Say yes)  I mean, it's only day 2, but what am I?  A monk?  Self-deprivation is not how I roll.  I've had not another drop of water, but this Sprite is tasty.  And there may or may not be a little vodka in it....  Don't judge.  It's been a very hard day.  So, the moral of the story is today isn't over yet.  I can squeeze in a little more cardio and some weights.  Also, tomorrow is a new day and so on and so on.  Keep rooting for me, readers!

XOXO and stuff!

Reject Your Tummy to Dominate! (Engrish Muffin Tops)

In the spirit of self improvement (and probable mid-life crisis setting in), I've decided that getting fit is in order.  Not just thinner, but healthier.  You know, eating better, frying less *tear*, and exercising more.  I found a diet in a really weird book I got for free on Craigslist, and I'm going to try it - well halfass it anyway, and I'll blog my progress as I go.  Blogress, if you will.  First order of business, no alcohol.  Noooo!!!!!  (Picture me falling down a long, dark, sober tunnel here, ala Alice.)

Goodbye, cabernet!  Goodbye, martini!  Goodbye!

Next, drink lots of water.  Like too much water - 8 ounces upon waking and seven more cups throughout the day.  Also, eat like a shit ton of grapefruit and apples, and have a big breakfast everyday, but not with bacon and stuff.  Exercise for an hour a day, even if it's just a brisk walk, and eat whatever you want in the whole entire world - as long as you consume a giant salad first with only lemon juice for dressing.  And no, and I mean NO artificial sweeteners or refined sugar.  The book says to sweeten everything with natural sugar cane juice.  I'm wondering if I can count rum in this...  Naturally sweetened oatmeal?  Sure!  NO fast food, and no food marketed as "diet."  Processed foods are purple minions in yellow minion clothes, people.  They are BAD, and I don't have to be on a diet to tell you this.

I am become McMinion!!!

  Actually, all of this does seem quite common sense.  Not enjoyable, but sensible.  Good thing I like grapefruit.  Like some people of a certain religious affiliation, however, I am picking and choosing which parts of this book I want to follow.  There are things in this diet that seem too extreme (think colon hydrotherapy and juice fasts), and I just refuse.

High colonic?  Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

Right now, I weigh 123.4 pounds at 5'4", and I've been stuck here for almost a year.  I'll post my measurements as soon as I find the tape measure so I can be realistic about the whole affair.  Also, I am a mother of three, the most beautiful children ever to have existed, so there's that.  But my youngest is 6, so I'm thinking the whole pregnancy weight thing might be sorta played out by now.  Not all that overweight, I know, but I have a very small frame, and I've always enjoyed being tiny.  Even though people are often very mean to you when you're thin, but that's a blog for another time.  Although I'm not big enough for Discovery Channel to notice, I would like to trim, tone and lose some inches.  My muffin top is in full bloom, and I want to be strong enough to not struggle with my heavy ass dive gear. (Half again your body weight is no joke, y'all.)

Dammit, delicious muffin top!

Today, I got up at 6:10, drank my damn water, did 10 minutes of stupid cardio, ate some crappy cereal with no sugar for breakfast, drank some more damn water, showered and went to work.  For lunch, I'll be enjoying some tomato soup - and damn water.  After work, it's exercise with high reps, low weights and probably some more damn water.  Dinner will be fried chocolate, because I totally deserve it.  But only after I eat my goliath salad.  If attitude is everything, I may be screwed, but if I can be bitchy while still getting results, bring it.

Loveyoumeanit!

Extra, extra!  I found the most awesome article to help you if you are also inspired to lose your muffin top.  The best part?  It's written all in Engrish!  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  Here's the link:  http://www.ihomeremedy.net/how-to-get-rid-of-muffin-top-7-easy-steps/

Namaste, y'all!

What I've learned:  Just as you can find yourself on a downward spiral, you can also place yourself on an upward spiral.  Both are self perpetuating, but the upward spiral can be a little tougher to find and hop on.  They take more umph.  Downward spirals are a tricky wicket and super easy to slip into.  That's not all I've learned in my (ahem) 36 years here on earth, of course, but it seems to be my latest lesson.  (I've also learned that the human head weighs 8 pounds.  Thank you, cute little boy on Jerry McGuire.  More fun, but less relevant.)  The last few years of my life have been spent on one of these downward spirals.  It was a pretty-from-the-outside spiral, but one headed down nonetheless.  I won't go into details (please and thank you), but this seems to fit:

"You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. 

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. 

A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin! 

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? 

How much can you lose? How much can you win?"

Dr. Seuss

I'd bet most of us have been here.  What got me around to unslumping my slump was first realizing that I was even in that place (not always easy from the inside) and then doing something that scared the everloving shit outta me - my scuba certification.  When I accomplished that, it was my first real grasp on the elusive upward spiral.  Since then, my self-destructive tendencies have been falling away.  In fact, when I look at it that way, it's probably a lot like what happens when people find God or Jesus or Scientology or yoga or whatever.  Water is my religion?  Not quite but almost.  

Everywhere I look, there is something telling us how to be better, do better, get better.  If you don't believe me, wander on into a Barnes and Noble.  Their self-help section is huh-yuge!  And isn't that what we're all striving for, y'all?  A better us?

So wish me luck on this journey.  I hope I can achieve the life I want and inspire others to do the same along the way.  I'll keep ya posted.

Namaste and stuff!