Farm Times: A True Story OR "Don't Be Afraid, Just Reach In and Scoop." (I couldn't decide on a title)

I had toast with jelly this morning for breakfast.  Remarkable, huh?  Not so much. But every time I eat it, I always remember how much I really like jelly, and then I go on this nostalgic mental train ride where my mom used to make all our jelly out of sandhill plums and from the peaches that grew on the weird little peach tree in our back yard.  At least, I think they were peaches.  The flesh was white, and the outside was always green, even when they were very ripe.  They never got properly peach.  Then one year, the tree just died.  Suddenly.  Can trees have heart attacks?  It was like that.  The train ride (Yes, we're back on the train, guys.  Keep up.) where I grew up on a farm, fed our cow/future dinner, was woken out of a dead sleep in the middle of the night on more than one occasion to help deliver a litter of piglets (Have you ever done this?  Deliver piglets, not wake up.  Cad.  It's wonderful and amazing and unbelievably damned squishy and gross beyond compare.  Nothing like making life happen when you're elbow deep in a pig vagina, your dad in the background like some awful cheerleader out of a redneck nightmare, saying in his most encouraging voice, "Don't be afraid, just reach in and scoop."), and where having both a railroad box car full of baby chickens and a random farm animal in your yard was normal, the train ride that ended up with me being me.

So, I've been met recently with some incredulity about my having grown up on a farm.  I guess I just don't seem very farmy?  So yes, y'all, I didn't make all this up, and I'm pretty sure I didn't hallucinate it either.  I did grow up on a very small farm, and last night, I found the pictures to prove it.  Enjoy a walk down my weird little memory lane:  

In order of appearance, from left to right:  Annie, Me, John, cow/dinner
That shed blew away in a tornado shortly after this photo was taken.

When I was 7 years old, I was roused from a peaceful slumber
to go help these little cuties get born.  Awww, they grow so fast.
And to set the record straight, yes, this is the pig, the one with the vagina.
See the boxcar in the background?  That's the one full of
baby chickens (who look cute but are actually monsters).

Here's me on my horse.  We called him Lightening.
I don't know why.  He wouldn't go faster than a walk.
That's probably good because I was a pretty clumsy kid.

So, you may have noticed there are no pictures posted in my blog of me serving up hot meals to Florida's less fortunate or snuggling sea turtles.  You may have also noticed I'm not sporting purple hair, or throwing back some rocky mountain oysters (calf fries, bull jewels, swinging beef, cowboy caviar, etc).  You may be wondering why this is.  If you're thinking right now, Well of course you're not, crazy.  What in the world are you talking about?, you should read this.  If you have read that, and you're wondering why I haven't done the things I promised, I can assure you it's not because I don't want to.  Sea turtles are attractive creatures, right?  Totally snuggle-worthy.  And I think I'd look super hot with purple locks.  It's simply because I haven't reached the donation levels I've set for my son's school thing.  If you're wondering why not, I can tell you, I am wondering the same thing.  If I had a dollar for every read I've gotten this month, I'd be on a mechanical bull right now instead of in an office chair, writing this entry.  I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.  On the bright side, I'm not likely to be thrown from my chair, not that it hasn't happened, but I'm sober right now, so it's not likely.  Yes, guys, I know this is shameless.  I don't care.  We are coming down to the wire (May 10 is my drop-dead date for most of the money - $8000), so if you can give, please do.  If you've been sending your good vibes, keep it coming.  You must be doing something right because I have received some very generous support from our local businesses.  I will be sure to write an entry about them once this is all said and done, and I'll give them the mad props they deserve.

*Update:  I just sent out a giant stack of letters asking for support.  My son has also agreed to do some volunteer work in exchange for donations.  His volunteer choices are making oyster mats, a day-long beach clean up and helping build a house at Habitat for Humanity.  I will be honoring those donations with my promises as well.  So basically, he and I will both do the things we promised, regardless of the source of our donations.  Wish us luck!

My happy little winner.

Because You Can't Mail Children

I went into the post office accompanied by several children, ages 10 to 13.  We waited patiently in line until it was our turn.  When we stepped up to that weird high post office counter, the lady politely asked, "What can I help you with today?"  So friendly.  I replied, "I'd like to mail these to Indiana.  Preferably overnight.  How much does that cost?"  She looked all confused and was like, "Mail what?"  I rolled my eyes (only in my head, though, because it's rude to actually roll your eyes at people, even if they are being obtuse) and waved my hand back toward the gaggle of children behind me. "These," I replied patiently.  "I need to get these guys to Indiana.  They don't have to be there until June, and like I said, overnight is preferable.  I'm just trying to find out how much it will cost so we can budget accordingly."  That's when her face got all funny and she quietly suggested I leave the post office.  That's pretty much how it played out at the UPS store too.  You'd think with a name like Goin' Postal, they'd be more understanding.  What's wrong with people?  We should all be so budget-minded.  That's what I think.

So now that it looks like mailing children is not an option (I have yet to ask Fed Ex, but I can't really see it going any better.) we still have to find that original $10,000 we're trying to come up with to send them to the Future Problem Solvers International thing in Indiana.  (click here for a refresher:  http://whatelainasays.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-clown-fish-is-winner.html)  If you want to help these brilliant kids (seriously, you guys, they are way smarter than me) get to the international competition in Indiana, there are a few ways you can donate. The first one involves a smartphone.  Scan this QR code:

And then download the snap.tap.give app.  It's free and super easy.  The suggested donation is $5, but you can go all the way down to $1 and presumably all the way up to about Johnny Depp's salary.  Totally up to you.  Another option is to send money via PayPal to fundraiser.wflfps@gmail.com.  And if none of these work for you, comment me, and I will get you an address where you can do it old school (send a check via snail mail).  The donations are totally tax deductible, and they come not only with our undying gratitude, they also come with a list of dares and do-goods - things I will do if we reach certain donation goals.  Here's the list:

$100 - I eat something gross (calf fries, chocolate-covered crickets, stuff like that)

$200 - I donate a morning at a soup kitchen

$300 - I dye my hair purple

$400 - I volunteer a day at the Sea Turtle Preservation Society helping our cute little shelled friends live quality lives

$500 - I ride the next mechanical bull I see

$10,000 - I get a pink flamingo tattoo (the Florida Future Problem Solvers logo is a pink flamingo)

You may have noticed that there is a gap in that list.  $600-$9900 are missing "challenges" because I'm out of ideas.  I thought of alligator wrestling scuba diving with sharks, but while I'm totally down, those things are expensive and that sort of defeats our purpose.  Please feel free to comment with your suggestions (or if you know someone who'll let me wrassle their gators for free).

I will take pictures and post them so you know I really did the things I promised.

Thanks, y'all!  And as always, much love.

I'm posting this picture of Adam Levine for three reasons:
1.  He's very hot.  (Even if you're a dude, there's no denying it.)
2.  It's a thank-you for reading my blog.  You're welcome.
3.  My entries always get more hits when Adam Levine is included
and I'm totally shameless in promoting my kid's fundraiser.

Guess What?!? I Now Come In PG!

I started a new blog, guys!  It's just like this old one, only shiny and new and with nicer language.  It's called Me In PG, and you can get to it here:  http://meinpg.blogspot.com/

The reason I created it is actually in my first entry over there, but let's recap, shall we?  In case you're too lazy to actually click the link, or your fingers were suddenly broken, or whatever.  My son and his phenomenally smart friends won a state competition, so they were invited to go on to Indian to participate in the international competition for Future Problem Solvers.  You can read my entry about it here:  http://whatelainasays.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-clown-fish-is-winner.html

The only problem is that it's hella expensive to make it where they can all go, so I'm soliciting donations.  You can also read about that in my other blog too.  I'm basically offering to do things like eat gross stuff and dye my hair purple to get donations so his team can go.  There's even a tattoo in the mix, but it's not cheap.  Here's the link to the blog with the details:  http://meinpg.blogspot.com/2013/04/sacrificing-some-of-my-time-and-lot-of.html

I'll also post the details on this one here later.  Basically, you can send donations through PayPal (email:  fundraiser.wflfps@gmail.com), or you can scan this QR code to donate from your smartphone.  You'll have to download an app, but how hard is that?

It's high-tech panhandling, y'all.  If you donate (or if you already have) THANK YOU!  If you're not able to donate, no hard feelings.  I love you anyway.

Much love and many thanks!

Macaroni and Cheese, Bitches!

There's a title that really benefits from proper punctuation, eh?  Imagine if the comma was missing.  That would be crazy awesome, no matter how you slice it.

So, I'm a little pissed as I write this tonight.  My mom (the polypollyist) is the goddess of homemade macaroni and cheese.  I do well if I can produce something edible and not too overtly orange (like me after a spray tan) out of those little Kraft boxes.  Tonight, I feel like giving my kids a little more than the oompa loompa of the  mac and cheese world, so I'm trying to figure out how to make this shit in a pan in the oven with actual cheese, y'all. And I am failing.  So I tried to call my mother.  That's what you do when you're adrift, right?  Doesn't matter that you're way past 30 and been on your own for a bit.  In fact, the first three Ramen-with-corn years don't even count.  Neither do the three following Hamburger-Helper-with-corn years.  So, I figure, I'm only 12 years into this, and if I can make the most kickass enchiladas and chicken fried steak and roughly 14 badass chicken dishes like a boss, then I have a get out of dinner jail free card.  Unfortunately, the ever-easy, yet totally unkind mac and cheese is eluding me like a bitch.  So, since my mom isn't home, I naturally turned to google and found this nugget.  Let's see how this goes.  My first thought, upon reading through the recipe, is that this woman is also a goddess of mac and cheese and totally awesome.  My second thought is, Fuck, I have to make a roux?  What is a roux?  Let the games begin!

Here's a link to the recipe in case you missed it up there:  Link to awesome mac and cheese recipe  (You gotta read this first, or the rest makes even less sense, trust me.)

Ok, so I forgot the egg.  Just totally forgot.  Well, I mean, I got them out of the fridge, cracked one, beat it like a little bitch and then left it sitting right on the counter.  Fuck you, egg.   It's baking now (the mac and cheese, not the egg), and it smells good.  I'm a little frustrated that the recipe doesn't provide a cooking temperature, but we'll cook it at 350 (I'd cook it at 311 ideally, but my oven won't let me) and forgive her because she's still pretty awesome, especially with all those pictures that I didn't bother to post.  I'll let you know what the kids think when it's done.

Votes are in, and it is.... fanfreakintastic!  It was all melty and delicious.  I made the macaroni SUPER al dente, so I added a little milk to make sure my noodles wouldn't break your teeth.  I also used 1% milk instead of whole because that's just how I roll.  For the cheese, cheddar and monterey jack, and I threw in salt, paprika and even a little parsley because it's pretty.  I would have added a bit more pepper and maybe some cayenne for a kick, but it is a hit, and I will be making it again, fo sho!